TekPopuli

The Valley’s Next Source of Funding? Nigerian Scam Artists

Jason K. — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:49:15 +0000

The new picture of VC funding in Silicon Valley?
Photo courtesy of 419eaters.com

With the enormous downturn that the US economy is facing, its no surprise that the effects are finally being felt in Silicon Valley. Amidst a drying up of liquidity around the world and massive rounds of layoffs at “blue-chip” stalwarts like Yahoo, startups are finding it harder than ever (with the exception of lolcats, perhaps) to find the support and backing behind their projects as Venture Capitalists circle their wagons. What was surprising, this week, however, was to hear of another group of investors in the wings eager to take advantage of the know-how south of the Bay: Nigerian Scam Artists.

Yes, in ironic turn, Nigerian Scam Artists have found that their own business model has seemed to weather the global recession quite nicely. With jobless rates and house foreclosures skyrocketing in the US, there is no shortage of rubes, marks, and the otherwise easily-taken-advantage-of. Nigeria, in return, is noticing a massive boom in the scam trade, with local pundits suggesting that the black market GDP in ill-gotten gains has jumped about 3000% in the past two months alone, with the growth projected to continue unabated for another 18-24 months.

While many of these self-styled “Kings of the Internet” have spent a great deal of their newly found loot on the usual combination of wine, women and song (and, unfathomably, pomegranates and cocoa beans), some enterprising individuals have pooled their cash, and are looking to grow their investments with a predictable rate of return, with their vehicle of choice being investing, and taking a significant stake in, high-growth web-technology companies — with the object, of course, to defraud and fleece the American public in higher numbers than ever thought possible, but in a way that leaves it impossible to trace. Nigerian scam artists, it seems, have seen the advantages of the Venture Capitalist model to grow their wealth.

Its not clear when these new VC groups are planning to make their intentions known. Its thought that at least three of them distinct entities are planning to descend on the Silicon Valley in an exploratory effort with as much as $700 million dollars worth of capital between them. Its difficult to know what effect these will have on the latest social networking sites, web, Facebook, and iPhone applications, (or if they will start their own blogs), but one thing’s for sure: all early adopters should expect to see an overwhelming volume of email requesting their help with transferring sums between $20 - $80 million dollars into their bank account for safe keeping — as long as they send their bank information.

Not to be out done, many Venture Capitalist firms in Silicon Valley are ironically looking eastwards (or westwards, past China) towards places like Nigeria, as the lure of durable quadruple digit growth is a virtual siren song to the insatiable appetites of institutional investors.

“We know its not really quite legal what they’re doing over there, but quite frankly, there’s only one place in the world where these kinds of competencies are groomed and grown”, said an anonymous source. “You just can’t teach that kind persistence and deviousness in the States — or really, anywhere else in the world. Its true, the kind of business they’re conducting is in a morally gray zone, but they’ve got a business model nailed down, their overhead is virtually nil, and the local laws are so lax and forgiving they make anything possible. We’d be crazy not to put a little money down there — you know, just to try it out. ”

Nick Denton’s Evil Genius: No One Likes Humor in Tough Times

Jason K. — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:44:11 +0000

Nick Denton, feeling good about himself

A few days ago, Nick Denton, of Gawker fame, and giant blogging empires, announced he was going to fold Valleywag, betraying some fairly old-fashioned Victorian sensibilities after all. Although there was the usual smokescreen of “having trouble paying his writers”, “hemorrhaging red ink”, and “encouraging Owen to sell a kidney to pay our creditors”, our sources tell us that Mr. Denton is simply acknowledging a well known fact: no one likes to laugh in tough times.

Yes sir, although the usual vultures are circling, a tip of the hat to Nick Denton is well deserved, because I mean, who really needs the tonic of humor when your entire world is crumbling around you? When your entire industry is self-destructing and people are being laid off, it makes complete sense — genius, really — to want to hold back, stop, fold your cards, and walk away. Who wants to hear a dash of levity and humor to make the sting of not making your rent a little less? And who really gets a kick out of taking the air out of venture capitalists, mega-billion dollar corporations whose idea of “cutting back” involves scaling back their lunch buffets to 50 items instead of 80, and internet celebrities who, much like cockroaches in a nuclear winter, will some how persist to broadcast their miserable “lives”?

Absolutely no one.

And that’s why Nick Denton’s the genius and not you (or me, for that matter).

The titanic success of the Daily Show, Colbert Report, and David Letterman on the backs of a crumbling and decrepit administration in a decade of flat growth, a war that’s bleeding America dry, and disasters natural and man made? The slimmest of coincidences. And Dilbert? Building a sarcastic and satirical empire based on the travails, stupidity, and utter idiocy of management during good times and bad — a series of strokes of luck, that’s all.

At a time when people are having trouble holding onto their houses, their jobs and their sanity, and when people are endless battered by bad news, there is absolutely NO ROLE for humor. None at all. And it would be the height of arrogance to claim that it would.

Valleywag would have absolutely no role in this world we live in, and Nick Denton knows it. Lesser men would have tried to capitalize on this horrendous opportunity and would have failed horribly. On the other hand, it takes an absolute virtuoso in their art to know when to fold’ em and leave it on the table for other unsuspecting and lesser boobs, charlatans and poseurs.

SEO’s Party Like Its 1999! (Inbound Linking No Longer Important?)

Jason K. — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:05:47 +0000

Even Rand Fishkin was happy

Yesterday, around the world, throngs of SEO’s burst into the street whooping, celebrating, and laughing. The reason? Google’s first manual on SEO 101, which, upon reading it carefully, makes no mention of the importance of inbound links to a given page’s ranking.

“Man, I was SOOOOooo relieved when I read this. My fingers were crossed and I was like ‘please-don’t-mention-inbound-links-please-don’t-mention-inbound-links’ … and, and — it was like Christmas 1999 all over again!”, a jubilant Barry Schwartz said, before he ran off to celebrate with other search engine round-tablers.

Mr. Schwartz, of course, was referring to the halycon days before Google placed such heavy emphasis on the quantity and quality of inbound links to measure a page’s worth, and therefore, its potential ranking in organic search engine results. The so-called “golden age” of SEO, when mere children could hang out their shingle and proclaim that they “did SEO”, when meta-keywords, keyword stuffing, and doorway pages actually worked without the threat of a “ban”, and when Google wasn’t the only player in town, are happy days for many working in the SEO industry.

While many SEO pundits, players, and practitioners of the black arts were found celebrating in the streets, there were some that questioned Google’s change in its algorithmic emphasis, particularly Jason “SEO Troll” Calacanis.

“I just — I just don’t get it. Mahalo was doing everything … oh, hallo. I mean, this is just horseshit. Do you think people want to go and have their search results polluted by penis enlargement ads, mortgage offers, and “free” credit score checks? People didn’t like it at Yahoo, did they? Can you say $10 share price?”

Conspiracy theorists, however, are having a field day with the news, suggesting that Google’s public proclamation of the non-importance of inbound links is more of a honeypot trap than anything else. When reached for comment, Google engineer and all-around SEO wet blanket Matt Cutts mentioned the following yesterday:

“This is by no means a sophisticated attempt by Google to root out SEO’s by baiting them into readjusting to pre-Google; these changes should, in no way, represent changes that should be threatening to any SEO, and should encourage SEO’s pursue any means necessary to achieve their goals; Google will never penalize anyone for operating within these unspoken rules, and will never strike anyone with a lifetime ban that affects their spouses, children, and great grand children for unto e generations.”

“At the same time, let me reassure everyone that Google is absolutely and verifiably not working on a 4th dimensional model for quality score affecting search engine results that affect SERPs in both the past and future, nor has it developed the world’s first globally integrated sentient artificial intelligence that makes the current model of inbound links childishly obsolete. That is absolutely, totally, and utterly, correct — I MEAN … incorrect.”

Google Expands Tracking To HIV, Hepatitis, West African Fever

Jason K. — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:00:48 +0000

Nothing’s says unconfirmed symptoms quite like “Google”

In a bold new initiative yesterday, Google released its ‘beta’ results of a “flu” tracking web software, which tabulates when people are searching for terms related to the flu according to time and geographical location. As other bloggers have noted, rapid expansion to other diseases are planned, in the very near future, however, given how many other conditions are preceded by flu-like symptoms.

“HIV, Hepatitis, West African Fever … it makes sense to track these as well”, said CEO Eric Schmidt at a recent press conference today, after the the enthusiasm of the Google Flu Tracker. “Muscle aches and pains, fatigue and a vague sense of unwellness not confirmed by a medical professional, vitals, blood work, or even a temperature. These are all things that are worth tracking, and attaching a probable diagnosis to — and consequently, plowing millions of dollars to develop a beta for.”

Google is also in the planning stages for a “cerebral hemorrhage map” for people having the worst headache of their lives, a “ruptured appendix map” for folks having upset stomach and bloating after a large meal, and an “tertiary syphilis map” for young men and women curiously worried about rashes, dots, and “I-swear-that-wasn’t-there-yesterday” changes to their delicate bits.

Researchers Nail Precise Number of Pathetic Losers on Internet

Jason K. — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:03:23 +0000

Nothing says pathetic like a dyed-red twisty mustache

Earlier this week, US Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, and San Diego jointly released findings suggesting that it is indeed possible to make a profit by sending “spam” messages, or unsolicited email. However, as several pundits note, the number of emails required to get one order was approximately 12 million, putting a number to the quantity of pathetic and lonely in the US, on the Internet, at around 2000. That is to say, that approximately 0.00001 percent of individuals tested answered, and then ordered, via a fake “pharmacy” website, a variety of products.

While researchers were keen to provide some semblance of professionalism in their work, the vast majority of products were, of course, mostly relating to sexual enhancement, enlargement, and prowess. The remaining merely had to do with solutions for male pattern baldness, and, curiously enough, dry and chapped skin.

The gullible and desperate have always been a hallmark of the Internet, and with this new research a bit of light has been shed on this little known group. Other data coming out of this collaborative effort about this group include:

An average age of 32, with two peaks in the demographics, at 17 and 42, confirming the well known “double hill”, or “deep valley” hypothesis of the weak and wretched, often seen in other familiar places on the Internet, such as Craigslist, MySpace, 4Chan and of course, the HuffingtonPost.
An average dollar value of $230, suggesting that if individuals were going to make the effort to purchase through sexual accoutrements via an unsolicited email solicitation, they were going to do it with gusto (not to be confused with Gusto(tm), the all natural lubricant for dry and chapped hands, the 4th most popular item)
When contacted in follow up 97% of respondents claimed that they were either purchasing it for a friend, were part of another University study down the hall, or were merely ‘pranking’ another friend with an uncertain name, occupation, or home address. 3% did admit to purchasing it themselves, of whom 99% broke down inconsolably, offering sums of money begging not be identified

Yahoo Girding Itself For Tsunami of Penis Enlargement Ads

Jason K. — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 00:02:35 +0000

With Google announcing today the end of the partnership deal that would have allowed Google to serve ads on Yahoo search, spammers around the world had a collective sigh of relief. When the deal was initially announced this past June, many spammers decided to postpone their ongoing campaigns with Yahoo in anticipation of having to deal with byzantine rule of Adwords.

“We weren’t looking forward to that at all”, said one famous spammer who wished to remain anonymous. “Having to deal with quality scores, click through rates, landing pages … and with the rules changing all the time, well, its such a giant pain in the ass, I’m surprised NON-spammers are even bothering with Adwords these days. Thank god the deal fell through. We can finally get back to flooding search results with semi-contextual irrelevant garbage that — for some reason — a small percentage of the world falls for.”

Yahoo fans the world over are girding themselves for the biggest assault yet on Yahoo, fully expecting their search results to be cluttered with common, but irrelevant ads. Its thought that fully 50% of the upcoming search ads will be for penis enlargement medications, devices, and applicators, while the remaining 50% will be divided amongst the usual mortgage applications, credit score assessments, solicitations for sexual adventures in your local neighborhood, and the like.

Voter Suppression 2.0 — GOP Turning to Robo-Tweets

Jason K. — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:35:57 +0000

Yes, the RIAA is getting help from the Polish Police

In a last ditch effort, the McCain campaign has used the last remaining funds to hire a disparate group of Social socially-conservative who call themselves “hax0rs 4 McCain”, in what looks like an attempt to suppress the votes of heavy users of social media.

Robo-calls are nothing new, as are intimidation tactics, and flyers left in the night. However, “hax0rs 4 McCain” have elevated these methods into the so-called “web 2.0″ age by creating scripts that will automatically tweet out, or “robo-tweet” to random users of the service called “Twitter” — particularly targeting Twitters who are long-standing, heavy and chronic users of social media, such as podcasts, blogging, social news, and social bookmarking.

The ironic thing? They will be coming from what look like “trusted” Twitter users, like Chris Brogan, Leo Laporte, Jason Calacanis, Louis Gray, and other Internet-famous “celebrities”, such as iJustine, Will Wheaton and Mike Arrington and Robert Scoble.

With messages like “Obama might not be a muslim, but he hates science and atheists!”, “if you Digg obama’s website, you don’t have to go and vote”, and “the police and RIAA are going to be canvassing electoral booths — watch out!”, the point of the Robo-tweets are clear.

Their aim is to scare, harass, and otherwise prey upon the habits of these fans of social media; as noted by an upcoming Hitwise study, fans of social media are 67% more likely to blog about a topic than actually bring it up with friends, and 86% more likely to submit, or vote, or bookmark, or comment, on a controversial news story to social news site (like Digg or Reddit) than actually getting off their collective asses to do anything about it (again, “anything” being broadly defined as literally anything).

Given that 93% of social media users identify themselves as either some combination of “Democrat”, “Democrat leaning”, or “Obamacons”, its no surprise that this population has been heavily targeted in the past few days. With a higher percentage of voters still undecided, it remains to be seen how effective the Robo-Tweet campaign will be, particularly as many social media users are still on the fence with about a day left to election day.

Insiders say that the key for this effort will be for it to headline either Reddit, Digg, or StumbleUpon — even for a few minutes. Given how little any of those sites are internally or externally policed it might not require a lot of brute force, and given how many users want to be able to stay home, it just might be the tipping point that the McCain campaign needs in crucial battleground states, like Ohio and Pennsylvania.

AOL to Google: “You’re Awesome … I Hate You!”

Jason K. — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:55:51 +0000

AOL responds to Gmail’s new features

In a quixotically passive aggressive email a few days ago, AOL expressed its best wishes and congratulations on several new, and not-so-new features in Google’s email product “Gmail”. The sarcastic and incredibly douchy piece of work comments on employing gadgets and SMS into its streamlined interface, all the while remarking about how “awesome” and “fabulous” it is, given how AOL included such features “eons ago, while the internet was in its infancy, and Google was just a brainfart in the minds of a couple stoner undergrads.”

This blog commentary is just the latest in a series of passive aggressive missives sent by email, newsletter, and anonymous phone calls, detailing the depths of self-loathing that AOL has had for itself. Beginning with Yahoo in 2003 and the infamous “you’re an awesome portal … bitch!”, but more recently focusing on Google and, of course, Facebook, for those in the Valley, AOL is really only known for one thing these days: pity.

“Its hard knowing that you were once the top of the heap”, quoted an ousted AOL executive “and now what are you? How important are you? Somewhere between looksmart and toelint. It hurts, y’know?”

With AOL executives throwing everything trendy and “social” at the wall, in hopes that it sticks, there’s still an element of “what could have been”, and “I can’t believe these poseurs are BETTER than us” still prevails.

With the Hallowe’en season ending, Digg’s executives are looking forward to the annual AOL Thanksgiving message which, savvy media watchers say, should be targeting them. Insiders say that the public should look forward to their usual wishes of charity, thanksgiving, and the importance of sharing the bounty. And of course, how “awesome” it was that Digg is “sharing” all of their features it stole all from ~~Netscape~~ Propeller, but how ~~Netscape~~ Propeller doesn’t need any help, because its just cool enough on its own, thank you very much.

Amidst Stock Downgrade Apple Seeks Partnerships With Wal-Mart and McDonalds

Jason K. — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:59:07 +0000

Mac Air, only $199 if purchased with a Big Mac Value Meal?

With the economy in shambles, and consumer confidence hitting lows not seen since 1929, a number of brokerage firms downgraded their recommendations on Apple from “buy” to “hold”. With the consumer technology trend getting hit hard by these harsh economic times, analysts feel that growth has stalled in the premium technology market. Over the next 5 years, much of the growth is anticipated in the “value” PC sector, particularly in the sub $1000 market, which Apple has not decided to play in … until now.

Cupertino is on fire with rumours that suggest Apple has a new strategy to enable Apple to continue to grow in these price sensitive times — and it doesn’t involve the release of sub-standard, under-powered technology either.

Several Apple insiders suggest that aggressive price cutting will be off-set by a change in the philosophy and approach to its pricing models.

“Steve Jobs”, as one analyst has said to me in confidence “has found a new religion, and it is what new media pundits call ‘Web 2.0′.” What was referred, of course, was not necessarily, the emphasis on cloud computing, nor the evolution of web sites to applications, nor the ascendancy of the social web or semantics. No, Mr. Jobs, apparently has fallen in love with the “Freemium” model that many single-person boutique firms have adopted while developing their applications and living in their parent’s basement, in spite of the fact many VC firms and startups alike are expected to feel the crunch as hard as anyone else.

Of course, Apple products won’t be completely free, but with a price reduction of 70-80% they’ll be heavily subsidized by ads — particularly Google Adwords, which has been working feverishly behind the scenes to develop special “OS-contextual ads” specifically for OS X.

Analysts say that we should expect an entirely new line of both laptops and desktop models ahead of the Thanksgiving crush that are competitively priced. While Apple doesn’t expect to change any of the hardware inside of their new computers, users can expect this special “Value” line to have up to 25-30 % of the desktop occupied by contextual ads, shifting while different applications and different content are brought up.

Further distribution partnerships will also allow a real “value” pricing strategy, as Apple plans to install Apple kiosks in Wal-mart and McDonalds, and have these specially marketed products co-branded with their partner’s logos and colors and happy meals.

The faithful were mixed in their reaction to these rumours.

Jesse George, print designer in Chicago put it this way, “on one hand, the incredible Apple experience is being ruined by these kinds of ads. In its own way, its a disgusting sell out by Apple. On the other hand, its important that Apple continue its growth, and maybe this way, more people who couldn’t afford Apple will be able to now. I mean, I know that’s the right thing, but … sweet Jesus. Have you SEEN the mouth-breathing lemmings who go to Wal-Mart? No, no. That’s elitest. Christ I’m so torn.”

Congress Delays Economic Bailout Package For “Real Emergency”

Jason K. — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:04:51 +0000

Capitol Hill dropped everything for a real emergency today

Congress announced late Saturday afternoon that deliberation on the most “important economic bailout package in a hundred years”, for an “unprecedent economic meltdown threatening the extinction of wall street” would be delayed indefinitely, upon receiving a telegram from one Tim Westergreen.

Westergreen, who is the CEO of a small “Web 2.0″ company called Pandora that streams music over the Internets, had wanted to alert the public to H.R. 7084, the Webcaster Settlement Act of 2008, and make sure that it wasn’t killed due to pressure from entities like the National Association of Broadcasters. With the potential failure of H.R. 7084 being disastrous for his business and free-loading music fans everywhere, he wanted to make sure this was an issue that not only bloggers or geeks cared about. But that Congress would understood its importance as well. This morning, he sent his missive with the words “CONGRESSIONAL EMERGENCY”, and sure enough once the message reached the higher levels, senate majority leaders from both parties issued a joint statement.

“While there are thousands who have literally lost their homes through the foreclosure crisis, and millions more who have seen their savings destroyed by the collapse of several blue-chip companies, its important to remember we’re an governmental organ for the people. All people. And that includes the sliver of a mustard grain-like percentage of people who love their streaming internet music. We’d like to jointly thank Mr. Westergreen for aligning our compasses, because sometimes when you’re in politics as long as we have, you forget what’s important to real people on main street.”

Its unclear when the economic bail out will proceed, but if pundits are right, one thing’s for certain. If you’re going to be broke and penniless, then how can free streaming internet radio not make sense?