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First Casualties in Android-iPhone Wars: Tech Hipsters

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Today at 10:30 AM EST, the Android OS was released to the world for the first time, giving everyone a first glance at Google’s first attempt at a mobile OS. Although pundits and bloggers are debating the relative merits of each device, the various plans, and the differences in functionality, its clear there is one core demographic who are being hurt by this tete a tete: tech hipsters.

This curious intersection of hipsters, who pride themselves on being tech geeks, are now the latest in collateral damage in emerging war between Apple and Google. While no physical ailments are specifically noted, a rising tidal wave of confusion coupled with unusually high levels of angst have afflicted this narrow demographic of the technologically self-important.

Much of the angst stems from a core dissonance: how can one love Apple products AND Google at the same time if they’re actively competing against each other?

“Jesus, this would be SOOOoooo much better if it was just Microsoft releasing another lame product”, wailed Aiden Parker, SOHO tech hipster since 2002. While fiddling with his scarf, and picking invisible lint off of his obscure-but-not-too-obscure band-imprinted t-shirt, Mr. Craig bemoaned the existence of two competing products which he both loved. “I just don’t get it. I just don’t. Why can’t they just get along so I can get back to loving them both? Why are they making us choose?”

Cody Applewood, Wicker Park music hipster since 1999 agrees. “Jesus, what are we supposed to do now? I’ve got the iPhone. MacBook Pro. I’ve even got that impossible-to-find-only-three-thousand-made velvet slip cover for my first generation iPod as well. Now Google does this? Jesus Christ, I hear Android is open source too. OS X is built on open source, isn’t? Dammit, shouldn’t we be supporting the openest sourcest of all the platforms? I need a smoke.” And with that, he put down his moleskin notebook, took off his aviator glasses, took a sip of coffee and pulled a long drag on a handrolled cigarette.

While Google works out its kinks for its latest offering, its clear that hipsters are suffering. Stricken with uncertainty over which brand to back in this battle for hipster mindshare, many are simply sticking with Apple for now.

Said Emily Crow, President and Founder of Hipsters for the Technological Advancement of Just-Rare Enough Technology agrees. “Its just the safest bet at the moment. I know Android is ‘cool’ because its new, shiny and free. But we’re too invested with Apple at the moment and quite frankly — they’ve just got us by the balls. Metaphorical balls, that is. I mean, heck: Android is going to be deployed across millions of phones one day, right? That’s what’s so great” — and at that point Ms. Crow put her hands up and made the quotes sign with her fingers — “about it, right? Well, you know what? If Android was being used by that many people, there’s no way we could support that as a community. Even if it was ‘insanely great’. I mean, that’s one of the best things about Apple products. They are insanely great AND most people aren’t using them. If the latter were to be the case? Well … it’d make this whole Android thing look pretty tame in comparison.”

© 2008 TekPopuli.