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BREAKING: Allen Stern Sues Alexa!

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NEW YORK CITY — After an impassioned rant, Allen Stern, the self-styled “east coast Arrington”, and recently crowned “kingpin of NYC tech bloggers”, has contacted his legal firm Weitz/Chang and Co. to, and I quote “sue the flaming fucking pants off of Alexa and its bleary eyed master Bezos.”

I had a chance to meet Stern today at his swanky Manhattan loft today, shortly after holding court with his usual entourage of hangers-on, interns, groupies, and a curious group known as the “NYC BFB’s” (New York City Bottom Feeding Bloggers) who were on hand begging for, as it turns out, as many links as their Lord and Master would charitably to hand out.

Little did I know that six months ago, Mr. Stern (a word to the wise: calling him “Allen” earns you a sharp rebuke and an thunderous bitchslap by his manservant Curtiss, who, incidentally, does some part time work on some of the forums) designated every Sunday to be a kind of “Alms” day, wherein he doles out links to the link-poor. While there’s no guarantee of the right keyword in the anchor text, it was clear that many of the washless masses were happy to get whatever was tossed to them.

Shortly after the Alms were doled out, I got a chance to speak briefly about his upcoming litigation, wherein Mr. Stern made it abundantly clear that Amazon had just screwed over the wrong blogger.

“Bezos thinks he can screw anyone? Well, Fuck him *AND* that fucking Kindle he rode in on! Yeah — I know what Bezos likes to do with those things. Don’t let him tell youse otherwise.”

At this point, Stern used a laser pointer as he pointed out on an incredible 20 by 20 foot diaorama, where exactly CenterNetworks and HTMLCenter fit in his empire of Internet properties.

“See, since that update, its just thrown everything six ways till Sunday. Do you think its easy selling advertising one month to the next when it says *some* properties have 10x more traffic than others? Well? DO YOU?”

He made his point by thrusting his giant sized digit into my chest to make a point.

“I’m no fuckin’ math pee-haytch-dee like Andy Beard and those egg-heads at Collective Intelligence — or even that Louie Gray guy but I knows irregularities when I sees irregularities.”

Mr. Stern went on to say that his decision was well considered, after conferring with his many advisors and contacts both here and in SIlicon Valley. Although his recent post on CenterNetworks rhetorically asked the question of “who would be the first to sue Alexa”, his intention, actually, was to always be the first.

“In fact”, concluded Mr. Stern, as he ushered in David Paterson and Michael Bloomberg, both in the customary reverse-prostrate position (the usual position people enter his lavish quarters — myself included) “my people tell me this is the best time to launch a ‘process’ against Bezos.”

“What with his recent “issues” his cloud computing projects and S3, I should have no problem using Alexa as a springboard to launch other suits as well. Maybe even a class action or three. Whaddya think?”

And with a mighty laugh and a crippling punch to my shoulder, he shoved me out of his waiting area, where the seven-foot wall of muscle, Curtiss, was waiting.

We may not yet know how the next few months or years hold out, but if Allen Stern has his way, Amazon’s in for a bloody fight.

© 2008 TekPopuli.